The Mueller Mulligan

Well, it’s over now. The report came in and just like the rest of Trump’s life he is allowed to continue on while leaving a trail of death and destruction in his wake. I thought for sure there would be the final send off in a chopper or hands waving in the air with peace signs secretly giving the world the middle finger. Alas it wasn’t meant to be. Trump will go free along with junior, the lap dance daughter, and her douchebag husband Jared. After two years and everything we have learned during that time somehow this dark knight, the savior of our democracy, could not fit the puzzle pieces together. The Joker, the clown prince of twitter came out on top.
Looking back, I try to figure out how exactly Trump was able to get away with it. Was it the televised message to Putin to hack the DNC? Or maybe the load of documents that were dumped on WikiLeaks days after Trump said it would happen? Or the pee pee tape that Putin has in his personal safe? It’s hard to tell where things went wrong and I have to say I am not surprised. I know people that had high hopes. They truly believed that Mueller would put the pieces together and find everything to put Trump and his family away for the rest of their unnatural lives. I had my doubts and they tried to talk me out of it. I don’t want to say “I told you so.” No, instead I will play the good friend and hold you while you cry, drive you to your favorite bars and hold back your hair as you puke in despair. This kind of disappointment in life can be life changing, it’s the type of thing that turned me into the cynical son-of-a-bitch I am today. I should start printing off card to the sad bastard club right away, there are going to be millions of new members to bring in.
I bought my Yang hat today with the forgotten word “MATH” on it, a skill no one uses these days. I also picked up a yard sign to place out front so that the trump army can pick me up once he feels like he is in full control after this fiasco. I have to believe in something, don’t I? I’m putting my bet on Yang, a long shot of all long shots. The news media is already acting like Bernie will get the nomination and are looking to see who he will pick as a running mate. From how he described the perfect VP I can only assume he is trying to be the next John McCain. He described his perfect vice president as being; younger than him, progressive, and a woman. How about picking the right person for the job. Why does someone have to fit these criteria? It’s almost like he is planning to die.
Let’s not get morbid now. The seven stitches on his head was from a total accident in his shower. It’s not like old people die in the shower every year or anything. There is a long road ahead of us and for the moment I am placing my bet with a man who has a totally different message from the rest of the crowd, the only one that stands out and listens to the fly over states that these people continue to ignore. He has the same message that Trump gave, the nation is in trouble and no one cares. A least Yang is willing to try something new. Isn’t that what being progressive is all about? I hear this stupid word all the time and nobody seems to know what it means. They copy each other’s talking points and act like they were the first to come up with it. I don’t know how things are going to play out but at the moment I will say that Trump is a bigger threat now than he was before. He thinks he is invincible now and that nobody can stop him, and I don’t blame him for thinking that. He has had this investigating hovering over hi during his first two years in office and now he is free to do whatever the fuck he wants. Hide your wife, hide your kids, he’s gonna be grabbing all the pussies up in here. I would bet my last dollar on it.

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Joining the Yang Gang Bang

I lost my faith in humanity in 2016, let’s be honest here there were plenty of times that I lost my faith and almost reclaimed it again. Three years later I found myself digging out of a hole that I had created, wallowing in my own self pity trying to ignore what was happening in the world. I went about my days zoning out and feeling my heart racing as some snippet of news weaseled its way into my ears and caused my blood pressure to rise. Then out of an unexpected source I heard the voice of a man who was speaking… logic? This was a foreign language, one that had been lost over the years like Latin or Greek. The more I listened the more came back to me and I realized a sensation building up in my gut. At first I thought I was going to be sick and join the legion of binge drinkers in town, but instead it was a flutter that feeling of falling in love again for the first time. It wasn’t that either, it was the lost sensation of hope that I had forgotten or tossed away wishing it would never return.
I was listening to a podcast with a presidential candidate named Andrew Yang. While he may be confused as one of the stars from Crazy Rich Asians the title fits in his own personal life. It wasn’t the promise of $1000 dollars a month that caught my attention although I’m not going to throw away the idea of a little extra spending cash, no it was the notion that somebody running for office was paying attention for once. The fly over states, the forgotten white trash middle America that the political elite had forgotten about for the last fifty years had become his new stomping ground and he knew they were hurting.
We have heard this bullshit before. Mitt Romney thought middle class started at $250,000 a year. Dubya sounded like a guy that you would meet in a bar and bullshit with on weekends and he ended up being a guy you would meet in a bar with bullshit ideas and everyday was a weekend. Obama flew on by continuing the status quo and making little difference in the lives of most people. McCain lost his mind with another run for president. John Kelly was a Dubya clone. Then there was Hillary. We have had a long line of elite yuppie trash that made their run for the ultimate seat of power and none of them listened or could give two shits about what was happening to fly over, middle aged, working class, Budweiser drinking, America.
Yang appears different, lending himself to any podcast that will have him, writing a book devoid of the usual, “I was born to do this” prose that litter the shelves of the local Barnes and Noble. I have yet to see a moment when Yang was lost for words and didn’t know what someone was talking about. In his own words “if you are tired of being fucked than helped me unfuck you and vote for me in 2020.”
Fuck ya, words I can get behind. This is the kind of thing you will never hear come out of the mouth of Bernie Sanders. Oh Bernie, the man who should have been president. The man who was bend over and dry humped by his own party. It has been too long. You time came and went. I’m sorry but I can’t get behind you or Biden and who knows what would have happened if McCain had gotten in with brain cancer running through his head for god knows how long. Yang is 44 and while some companies have failed others that he started went on to create jobs and make a profit, something Trump never figured out. My heart fluttered when he said he left the career of a lawyer unable to continue the life of a professional liar.
Yang, the longshot, the man who the major media has been ignoring, is my guy. Like Bernie and like Trump he is the guy that the people least expect to pull through to the end. Nobody saw Obama coming and Trump was a joke the entire race. Now we have a second chance at something new. I may be pushing him as some kind of messiah, one thing I don’t want anyone to get the idea of. Messiahs and prophets have a knack for being sacrificed to causes that are never worthy of their loss. Yang will soon appear to be a threat to the other monkeys running in the field and the dogs will be sent sniffing to find something to nail him on. I’m leaving my bunker on Monday to go out into the field, reclaim my journalistic roots and learn more about this man, face to face. I will be branding the fashionable Kevlar needed to enter Chicago and attend one of his rallies. I have to look him in the eyes and see if he is a lying piece of shit like so many that have come before. If he can pass the test, prove that what comes out of his mouth is as true as I think it is, he will have my loyalty forever. Who am I kidding? I already have the t-shirt, bumper sticker, pin, and hat. I’m waiting for him to go all out on the merch so I can get the Yang Gang Bang Cockring and show the world who they are fucking with. I’m back baby and you have Yang to thank for it.

Golden Chain Gangs

I wasn’t surprised to see that the stock prices for pharmaceutical companies had risen after the announcement of warrants issued in the Russia investigation. Water based lubricants were sold out in most prisons as the inmates wait in anticipation to see which one of Trump’s cronies ended up in a cell with the population. Trump for Prison t-shirt sales had risen and people were glued to their televisions and cell phones to see the latest episode of House of Russian Dolls. Another doll was opened to reveal another layer and as we come closer to the truth the hands become tinier and tinier.

It appears that Stephen Bannon is back in the picture. The Shannon Doherty of the White House staff, he has been busy shifting the blame for the latest Russia blunders onto Jared. When Trump runs for re-election he needs to steal the jewelry stores moto and remind everyone that when it came to important matters of business “He went to Jared.”

Since July somebody in the White House has been wearing a wire but unlike the criminals in The Wire these buffoons were always three steps behind the police. The first wave of warrants was issued due to the statute of limitations running out and losing the chance to press charges. As the investigation continues these three men who remain under house arrest are unable to run as more charges are filed and the list of names continues to grow.

Reports of verbal rampages and coked induced fits continue to leak from the White House. Expect Trump to make a quick run to Florida to buy a few more 8 balls.

The republicans rush to pass their personal tax breaks knowing that if Trump becomes impeached any plans they had will be thrown out the door, replaced with a restructuring of the executive branch and ending when the investigation has drained the swamp of all the leeches. The impeachment won’t end with Trump, Mike Pence will be out the door along with Jeff Sessions. As we work our way down the list the ink becomes a blur of blood and shit with nothing legible. It is unknown to me where the trials will end and a new presidency will begin. This isn’t Ford pardoning Nixon, this will be something else where the next in line won’t have the time to file a pardon and we continue to wait until somebody with an IQ hire than a shoe size is brought into office. People will talk about the nation needing to heal, putting an end to the political strife. I hope they remember Las Vegas, Puerto Rico, and the terror attack in New York. If there is one person that deserves a long dragged out trial of tribulation it is Donald Jackass Trump.

All across America in lightly decorated prison cells posters of Jared Kushner are be hung and the new boy toy of the prison yard is waiting to be seen. I hope he goes on tour, visiting prisons from the East coast to the West making sure to visit Trumps base in the Midwest, we can’t forget the fly over states. Yes, Jared is going to jail, the warrant hasn’t been issued yet and it is likely that Trump will attempt to start WWIII when the news breaks. Jared will be one of the last barriers between Trump and a room next to Bernie Madoff. Panic will set in and the fear that Hitler felt as the Russians rolled into Berlin will overwhelm his sense of control. The end is coming and soon Jared will resemble a Dunkin Doughnut.

Two Elephants in the Room

The old-time republicans trying to hold their seats in congress are starting to funnel out the door. The people that stood up for fiscal responsibility, Reaganomics, and moral decency are becoming the mammoths of the party where the elephant is mutating into some other kind of monster. A party that doesn’t believe in evolution is witnessing its effects within their own party.

Stephen Bannon, a dinosaur of another kind, has been able to breed with the old school republicans creating a new form of conservative people have never seen before. This is different from the mutation that took place with Sarah Palin’s retarded step child, the Tea Party. The Alt-right is the continuation of the Nazi dream that started with Hitler and morphs into something that is palatable to the American public. Bannon is pushing for the replacement of old school republicans in order to give Trump the power to fulfill whatever wet dream he may wake up to in the morning. Currently the only buffer between himself and the end of the country is a handful of Republicans that hold their loyalty to the country and their ideals. This is a thin line that could be crossed at any moment and with seats opening up this could be the end that I have feared. I civil war is taking place within one party of our government and the losing side is stepping aside to make way for an unknown future. Without people like John McCain to balance the equation it is difficult to know what we could be up against.

The Democrats remain to be seen during this power shift. Alliances could be made and positions saved if hands were stretched out and support given to those with a conscience. Instead we see the systematic destruction of a party with a Democrat in the White House. What is interesting about Trump is how he supported all of Obama’s policies throughout his life then ran in a separate party. There is no loyalty in Donald Trump even though he demands it from the people positioned under his fat ass.

The country continues to fall apart while Bitch McConnell and Paul Ryan pursue tax reform. The house passed a bill to make class action lawsuits against banks illegal. Deregulating the banking system is just what we need after the 2008 economic collapse and the greatest theft that ever happened in the country. What is amazing is knowing that people still wonder what happened to D.B. Cooper but don’t bother to look at the heads of Goldman Sachs.

There are two elephants in the room, the old school republicans who see their ways going the way of the Dodo and the new monster that is continuing to grow before them. It could die off like the tea party, in a slow shuttering cry that nobody will notice, or burn out never to be seen again, a footnote in history to be easily forgotten. There are two elephants in the room along with one giant jackass who can’t keep his fingers off the Twitter keyboard. Careers are unexpectedly ending and Washington will never be the same again. The world may never be the same again. The conscience of the country will never be the same again.

The Return of Twitter Twat Trump

The fucking moron in the daycare center had his phone returned to him from the staff. The tiny cock waving started up again when Trump met with members of congress to make a budget deal. Senator Corker was asked if he would work with Trump on a budget, but instead of agreeing to work with the president Corker called Trump an “untrustworthy liar.” The insults started on twitter almost immediately with trump attacking Corker, McCain, and the widow of a Green beret killed in Niger. Twitter twat Trump was back with no restraint and nothing off limits including gold star families.

China reaffirmed their new position of power on the world stage this week with president Xi Jing Ping given another 5-year term. Xi’s speech before the party was over three hours setting the direction for the future of the country. The US is not found in the equation.

In Iraq Kurdish and Iraqi forces faced off trying to control oil fields securing the income of the region. What has not been mentioned on the news yet is the fact that US service men are fighting on both sides, alongside the Kurds against ISIS and as advisors to the Iraqi military.  Leave it to this president to forget that US soldiers are now firing bullets at one another. What happens when the two sides meet and we are helping both sides kill each other? The Kurds are in a tough spot, independent enough to push ISIS back into Syria and secure the country of Iraq when Iraqi soldiers fled like the cowards they are, only to be betrayed by their countrymen for trying to secure their own homeland. One should not be surprised after Iraq failed to protect them when Turkish soldiers crossed the border a few years back attacking Kurdish cities and killing hundreds of Iraqi citizens with no repercussions. The same could happen again with Erdogan building up troops on the northern border of Kurdistan with the intent of securing the southern portion of the country. This has happened many times before with human rights violations involving genocide and the arrest of citizens for their ethnic background. If things go wrong expect to see a massive exodus to Iran, the other country responsible for destroying ISIS in the region while the US was busy sitting on its thumbs.

The Sean Spicer show was back this week with Kelly trying to make up an explanation for Trump’s inability to apologize for the insensitive phone call he made to a widow while she was picking up the remains of her husband at the airport. “He knew what he was signing up for” was the best he could come up with for the man that has the best words, amazing words, words that you have never heard of before because they are so good. There was a time when a president would do the best that he could for the country and the people that served it, a time when the people mattered instead of ratings, a time when the president knew they served the people instead of being served by a caddy. Those days appear to be gone.

We have a constitutional oligarchy and wall street is loving it with the Dow Jones at record highs and regulations guaranteeing a failing economy in the near future. History is about to repeat itself again and we will never learn the lesson as the rich continue to get richer and the poor lose everything in the equation. The same people that say a storm is coming, the rich will be eaten by the poor, a balance will be found with the downfall of the current system, these are the idiots that elected Trump.

The world is setting the sails without us at the helm and who can blame them? Marcon and Merkle are figuring out how to continue NATO without us. The Chinese are set at becoming the largest world power that ever existed. The middle east is redrawing the borders without western influence and who can blame them? America is no longer in the equation and why should we be, we can’t take care of our own people, our own borders while storms and fire storms wipe out large portions of land without a fight. Meanwhile. Trump plays golf and the country falls apart. Who couldn’t see the current state of things and think to themselves, “maybe it’s our turn.”

The game is changing. The rest of the world is dusting off their chess boards and polishing the pieces and Trump is busy with tic tac toe and checkers. The playing field is leaving us in the dust and the isolated America Trump and middle America wants will eventually happen. When the leader of the country is an asshole eventually nobody wants to play with him. When the asshole becomes a bully eventually somebody bigger will come along and put him back in his place.

President Steven Seagal

“He knew what he was signing up for,” were the words that Trump said to the widow of a fallen Green Beret the day after a reporter called him out in front of the world for never mentioning the deaths caused by an ISIS ambush. The widow’s mother cried on television as she explained what had happened during the phone conversation. None of us should be surprised by this from a president that threatened to pull relief aid from Puerto Rico while American citizens are dying. As of today, 85% of the island is still without power leaving many local leaders to request aid for their citizens with medical conditions that require electricity. Three dialysis patients died when helicopters were never sent to take them for medical treatment. Water from contaminated sites is being used for drinking. Water borne diseases are on the rise as people use whatever they can find out of desperation.

Those that are paying attention must be asking themselves a common question, did Donald Trump know what he was signing himself up for? There are two versions of the presidency, what the world knows that job to be and what Donald Trump thinks it is. Trump is a fraud that found himself to be president and has continued to bullshit his way through the job deflecting shots and jabs like Steven Seagal is a shitty straight to DVD Walmart dollar bin action movie. The two men have more in common than their talent for bullshit. Seagal made claims of working for the CIA when all records show that never happened. He has made claims of putting his life on the line for the country recently but that only happened in action movies. Both men have a weird love for Russia with Seagal in possession of a Russian passport and teaching aikido classes there. Seagal left his Japanese wife to marry an American model in the 1980s only to cheat on her later. Both men have been accused of sexual misconduct and think they are the center of the universe. What we have at the moment is president Steven Seagal, with a black belt in in bullshit.

The ditch is getting deeper for the bar that Trump is setting on human decency. At this point most of the men in American prisons could hop over it and join the rank of sainthood if compared to Trump’s level of despicable behavior. Not only did Trump attack John McCain, a man with a terminal form of brain cancer and Vietnam war hero, but he also used John Kelly’s dead son as a political prop when asked about the deaths of the Green Beret soldiers killed in Niger. There doesn’t appear to be anything off limits with his douchebag and the further time goes on the lower the hole is dug for the bar he sets for any predecessor. Some have speculated a president Kushner in the future but it’s difficult to envision a Russian spy in the White House, or do we already have one? Rumors have gone around that Jared has a large collection of James Bond memorabilia and that he originally thought his wife’s name was Ivana Hump-a-lot when they first met. Like any long-term marriage that turned out to not be true after he found out the only thing she likes screwing is her Chinese workers in her sweat shops. To help make up for his daughter’s lack of sexual prowess, Donald gave Jared a handful of impressive sounding titles that don’t amount to anything more than a glorified McDonald’s manager. Jared, the wannabe Russian spy, the revenge of the nerds super-agent, is nothing more than an undersexed dork that can’t accomplish anything more than impressing his simple-minded father-in-law.

A war is going on in the republican party with Stephen Bannon declaring war on the traditional right and threatening to pull the party apart. Many would have thought this would have happened when the Tea Party came to town but that was just the beginning. Lines have been drawn on the floor and at the moment it looks like a pentagram, the Tea Party in one corner, the alt-right in another. Paul Ryan and the rest of the Trumpites stand with their hands in their pockets looking for something to bring to the fight. RINOs greet the others with wide smiles and wallets open. John McCain stands alone with his brain cancer with trouble remembering what the party used to stand for.

In the end for Trump his presidency will end up sounding like a Steven Seagal movie and his career will resemble one as well, because when all the fog and mirrors are removed from the room he will be left learning that nobody is above the law.

Katrina II, the Puerto Rican Connection

Somewhere between Dumbfuckville and Retardtopia lives the mind of Donald Trump. Two weeks after hurricane Maria decimated the island of Puerto Rico he finally visited, and like the rest of his life he only saw the nice parts of the island. Before the president arrived, he sent his personal cruise ship, the USNS Comfort to check out the situation. A floating hospital that can take care of over 600 patients, the crew and all of the staff helped 8 people in the first two weeks of their visit. During that time the crew also engaged in a spa day where they invited the locals from the island onto the ship to give pedicures and manicures to the crew. Pictures of this were taken by a doctor working on the ship who later quit and released the photos to the press. With Trump as president every day is a spa day.

The majority of the island still doesn’t have safe drinking water and like the people of Flint, Puerto Rico is being forgotten about as Trump tries to start WWIII with Iran, breaking the nuclear deal and pressuring congress to not renew the signed agreement that Obama negotiated. Iran responded like most countries that have dealt with Trump, giving a video response making their legal claims and stating the consequences if he doesn’t comply with the original agreement. Trump doesn’t care.

The world is starting to see trump for what New Yorkers had known the past couple of decades. Trump is a deadbeat, egocentric, megalomaniac, with small pee pee syndrome. If you don’t believe me just look at his tweet where he threatens to pull the emergency workers from Puerto Rico because they complained that the majority of the island has not seen any relief aid yet. The slopping handling of the disaster relief is starting to rival that of Katrina the only difference is that the relief showed up in Puerto Rico but it was too lazy to work.

In a country that has been hit by four hurricanes and has half of the land on fire, there can be some comfort to know that the biggest disaster is an orange Cheeto sitting in the oval office. At least he can be removed and let’s hope that congress gets to work with the 25^th amendment. Americans are dying and most people are convinced that Trump didn’t know that Puerto Ricans are Americans. The people that would claim otherwise are just learning that fact for themselves. There is a cult of idiocrasy in this country and the stupid outnumber the average. That comes as no surprise with programs like abstinence only sex Ed working hard to double the population while breeding a culture that takes pride in their ignorance. When you make sure you do not understand something you protect yourself from the blame of your actions. I have seen this argument used several times and usually in the courtroom a dose of reality is issued. Ignorance of the law is no excuse. Ignorance of reality, well we can sit back and see how that works. There is plenty of blame to go around. The country was founded by idiots who said that a person was free to believe what they want, as long as it doesn’t harm others around them. This continued through the 1960s where groups of people started to believe all kinds of weird shit. The eastern cults of meditation and sex, moon landing deniers, drug induced spiritual journeys, then came the death cults, but hey man they have the freedom of religion. Jonestown didn’t end well. The Branch Davidians said goodbye at their annual Hitler’s birthday barbeque festival. The Heaven’s gate cult was sponsored by Nike for their “Just do it” campaign to the Hale-Bopp comet.

There is a more dangerous cult that has taken over and their leader is in the White House. We should not be surprised that he looks like a cheap version of Goldfinger and has an IQ that makes a pile of dog shit look like a genius. The republican party has been on a quest to dumb down the public into submission for decades and they continue to push their agenda with climate change denial and Reaganomics to further their wealth and influence. They prey on the religious because they know they are ready to believe anything as long as you tell them they will benefit in the end, and they are special. Some people have an allergic reaction to reality. Many Americans try to live a middle-class lifestyle on a minimum wage salary and they blame those poorer than them for their place in life. They hand over money willingly to churches that don’t help the poor and shut their doors during times of need like the flooding of Houston this year. I don’t know where this will end or how. Usually, when these groups are outside of the government they have the ATF or FBI stomping through their doors and setting the place on fire. When the group is the government what does the sane public do to protect the nation? Who do we call? What hotline is available to say that a shitty governor just outlawed the words “Climate Change” from being used. When will it be illegal to be so stupid that it gets other people killed?

We have a swine in the White House that gave himself a lobotomy and he continues to dig that ice pick further into his eye. Soon it will be law to be dumb and the rest of us will have to decided, do we join with stupid or do we fight the zombie horde that is infecting the public to Armageddon?